Da Sezzy Advenchurs of Balla an Ewdard
by TheCarp
Summary: Bella an Ewdard hav a chanse at Roemanse! It is vrey sezhual so u wil get five thousand bonners if u read it! Edward is our god we must sex him gud! xoxoxxo 3
1. Chapter 1

Da Sezzy Advenchurs of Balla an Ewdard Cullen

Chap 1

OMGWTFSPARKLES!SLKDJF:SLDFSDFH:Lkj-oh…..

Sunlight poured through the open drapes onto Bella's sexy manburger. The sparkles from his toiletbowl-colored skin shined straight into her eyes. The brightest part was from his vampire nips. His nipples were so long (5 inches, to be exact). They were so succulent magical unicrons dat she wanted to tickle them with her eyelashes and pretend that she was the statue of liberty, but that could wait. Tehre were more sezzier tings that she wanted to do.

But THEN! (omg the suzpenxe!) she had…TO POO! (omg rising actionomg!) The gurgling in hree tummy was unbearified! She accidentally pooed a little on Ewdread but it was in his mouth so she didn't really care, so she ran off the the bathroom while Jacob sexually molested their daughter in the other room. She sat down on the toilet and shitted for what seem like twenty thousand years, but was actually one second. OH NOOOOOOO! In her extreme hurry, Bella accidentally mistook the bathroom mirror for a toilet! The smears from the feces cascaded down the mirror and filled the sink, to the point where her reflection made her look like a negro man like Nikki Minaj. Then she looked over and saw that Edward was standing in the door staring at her in whoreror, then she looked down and realized she was still squatting on the sink with her ass pressed to the mirror.

Edward looked to the mirror and screamed "OH MY GOD BELLA YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE BLACKER THAN AUNT JEMIMA!" "Edward you don't under-staaaaaannd…." Bella said in the bland way that obsessive mormon females talk. "I am notblack I am white" to prove this, she flashed her nipples at him, which her saggier than a plastic shopping back with a little bit of yogurt in it. "Oh that was a relief, because I owned slaves in the South and I hate all black people". Edward was an immortal vampire who has lived for hundreds of years, so it made sense that he had lived before the civil war, had slaves, and hated negro men like Nikki Minaj but listened to their music.

To cheer him up from this shock that I had almost been a negro, I took my excrements from the sink, lathered them all over my body, and, while dancing to the sound of my daughter being sexually exploited on video camera by a werewolf, pretended to be a rich woman's curtains.

End of chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2 Da sezziness rises!

Da sezzy Adventures of Udard and Belew!

Chapter 2

*Ring ring ring ring*

Bella got up and trudged over to the phone. She had been in the middle of a family-fun game of Human Centipede, and was having such a great time that getting up was an extreme annoyance. It was a job that she had to do, because she hoped it would be another pizza discount. After the LAST game of human centipede, she knew that she should try not to spend too much this time because it cut into Edwards money to participate in the local African American persecution group. She picked up the phone, sighing. "Hello?" she said. "Hello dis is Mr. Colon" Edward's daddy said. Edward was white and lived in the South for a few centuries, so it was only natural that he and his family (especially his vampire daddy) hated balck ppl forever. Edward's vampire daddy wouldn't even treat black people at his clinic. Once he had a little black girl who had swollen cheeks the size of baseballs and a beard who wanted plastic surgery. Mr Colon said no and then the girl took lots of steroids and got an undeserved rap careerand her name was Kanye West. "Wow Bella longtimenoseeyournipples I am on the toilet and I am stuck" He farted. Bella wasn't in the mood to talk but she knew she had to be polite, because the town worshipped him and her own father nearly lynched her for calling him mysterious. Bella didn't know what do say. "Mr colon I need to put you on hold" and she lowered the phone and clenched it between her buttcheeks. She waddled precariously back to her family, and to her horror, Jacob was urinating on her vampire daughter. "JACOB YOU ASS! YOU ARE MAKING A MESS!" Jacob said sorry and took her daughter into the bathroom before she could tell him they were in the middle of playing Human Centipede. Bella was sad that she had no one to play with…

WALKED IN AND TOOK A HEROIC POSES! Bella gasped with magical amazement unicorns and bowed down kissing his toes. "that is enough!" Edward the Glorious said as his pants filled up with poo. "Let's play modern art! He said" "Oh BOY!" Leba said, raising her unshaven armpits. Bella decided Ewdrad would start, he took the typical "fat whore farting" position. Bella knew just how to beat this. She did a hand stand and slowly spread her legs. She then lowered onto her head and stuck her arms to the side, beginning to magically rotate. She then realized that she had not pooped or urinated due to the phone stuck in her booty. It was time. "I…AM….THE MONA-LISA!" Beeela screamed as she released explosions of sharts and laser pee blasts! "BELLA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON DOWN THERE AND WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME YOU SHITTY FARTING WHORE!" Mr. Cumens began to cry and cut himself. Their house could not take the sheer force of her peepee and poo lasers. "OH GODEW BELA STOP IT NOOOOOOOOO" Edwa- and then their house collapsed on them and they died.

(Dont wury dey will com back 2 loaf neckt week in da next chapper! Stay tuna!"


End file.
